Two Factor Theory (also known as Herzberg’s Motivation-Hygiene Theory) was developed by Frederick Herzberg, a psychologist who found that job satisfaction and job dissatisfaction acted independently of each other. Two Factor Theory states that there are certain factors in the workplace that cause job satisfaction, while a separate set of factors cause dissatisfaction.

Two Factor Theory distinguishes between:

• Motivators (e.g. challenging work, recognition, responsibility) which give positive satisfaction, arising from intrinsic conditions of the job itself, such as recognition, achievement, or personal growth^[4], and
• Hygiene factors (e.g. status, job security, salary and fringe benefits) which do not give positive satisfaction, although dissatisfaction results from their absence. These are extrinsic to the work itself, and include aspects such as company policies, supervisory practices, or wages/salary

Now that we know how we can achieve our goal, what would be five great ways to make sure your company is employee-unfriendly just to the right measure as a way to downsize without firing them:

1. Increase work hours and decrease pay citing recession. Immediately after this communication is handed out to all employees, suggest conducting a HR session to increase team morale and a month later, sponsor a vacation for just the top management. That ought to create a few disgruntled quitters.

2. Make shopping carts out of office chairs. Employees would have to put in a Dollar to get the chair. After they are done using it, they will have to take it back to the storing area, push it into the queue to release the $1 deposit. (This is just to demoralize the employees a bit).

3. Lease out a part of your company car-park space (proportional to the number of employees you want gone) to another company. Lesser parking space will have a two-prong effect. The first is that employees will come in earlier to work to get the fewer parking slots available, the second being that the parking fees ought to get to the losers (read: late comers) over time.

4. @ the Canteen: Request (another corporate mandate!) your employees to have their lunches alone and not with their co-workers or in groups. This will save on all the unproductive time they spend discussing non-company related stuff and also prevent them from scheming and organizing protests against company policies. (Thanks for the idea, Thej!)

5. Create Gang Wars between departments. Make use of ‘No survivor battles’…

If you have more creative ideas on how to downsize without creating a heart-ache for the HR Department, do comment them out…

I will need more ideas to start a ‘Downsize’ consulting firm… That’s the only job I think will be recession-proof.

Disclaimer: This is a part of a conversation that may have happened…

RJ: John, I always wondered what kind of a lady I would like to spend the rest of my life with. And know what? The answer unfolded itself to me during one of my meditation sessions (read: helplessly inebriated Friday evenings).

John Doe: You thinking about marriage?? LMAO… This is gonna be fun… [He pops open another Carlsberg]

RJ: I would like to marry a woman with CEO-like qualities. While I sit around the house practicing the fine art of ‘Lazy-boy’ing, she can make her way up the corporate ladder. I will let her employ a maid to keep the house in order. All I would ask of her is a daily allowance of 100 Indian rupees (USD 2.5) for my daily beers.

John Doe: What does she get in return then?

RJ: What does she get in return you ask, my young Padawan? I will read up jokes from the Internet the whole day. I will crack them once she comes back to ease her stress. An occasional massage and the duties of a ‘decent, but lazy’ husband will be on the menu too.

John Doe: But then, why do your MBA, Jedi Idiot? [striving to maintain a straight face...]

RJ: It’s about not having an ego, with her being a CEO and all